Sociomechanica

Here’s a unique idea about jealousy and social media, from neuroscience blogger Jonah Leher at The Frontal Cortex:

Because these online tools collapse the space between people – we can experience a kind of intimacy with perfect strangers, learning about their breakfast routines and airport delays – we bring ourselves into “competition” with a far larger group. We’re suddenly comparing ourselves with people we’ve never met, and never will. While this pseudo-closeness can be fun, I think it also comes with some anxiety inducing side-effects. …My worry is that our online social platforms both magnify our hierarchies (by measuring our friends, followers, links, etc.) and erase social distance, so that we suddenly find ourselves in the same monkey cage with a far larger number of monkeys.

It is called a status update, after all.  If you’ve ever had any kind of social life at all (or attended high school), it won’t be long before you’ve amassed more friends than your poor image of self can reasonably manage, and suddenly you’re afforded daily opportunities for the sort of envious moments formerly reserved for class reunions, PTA meetings, friends pulling up in a Mercedes, etc. Every day.

And even if you’re sitting pretty where you are in life now, with plenty of friends, it’s not enough. Heavy use of a SM tool like Facebook could feel like reconnecting with old friends, but really it’s not; the old social barriers of distance and time spent in reality with friends still means something, and since there are actual friends on Facebook versus just acquaintances, there will be reminders of this distance right there on your newsfeed. Little examples of how close other people are with each other, with your friends, so on and so forth.

Here’s an example: I’ve recently been catching an old friend’s updates on her impending wedding day, and seeing other old friends commenting on their excitement about the wedding. Now, I haven’t seen this friend in years, and have no desire to attend the wedding. However, in viewing the comments I caught myself feeling left out, and, a little creepy. It was like I was back in high school and the popular kids were two desks over talking about plans for the weekend.

Facebook is about fostering inclusivity. You’re invited to events, included in notes, mentioned in status updates, and so on. When you’re not included, as we all are inevitably going to be by virtue of having so many friends, it’s only natural to feel a tinge of jealousy here and there, even if you’re not really being slighted. The opposite is to be unable to empathize, in my opinion, or to be constantly satisfied with yourself.

Ultimately, if you’re not being included in the interactions you’re witnessing on Facebook, you become something of a voyeur. By Facebook’s design, at the bottom of every thread is my photo with a blank comment box, and I’ve always found that unsettling. Like Facebook knows I’m here, and if I’m not commenting, all I’m doing is watching. That feels creepy, and is not a fault of the user, but inherent in the design of the tool. I am too involved in the intimate details, conversations, and lives of my acquaintances, and this causes me unnecessary guilt from not staying in contact, anxiety at not being social, and the occasional pang of jealousy.

But I’m not consumed with such feelings whenever I login to Facebook. Well, I do have a friend from high school who’s a working comedian in Chicago. That’s a little hard sometimes.